White noise spills into my ears like a waterfall. I’ve come up for auditory air by removing my beloved ear plugs on this flight, just before landing, and it’s loud. I’ve just finished a novel and I’m remembering the days when screens weren’t our go-to for entertainment and books were enough.

They’re still enough for me. I feel full of words.

And, I miss writing. I’ve stepped away from it these years as I floundered as a single mother and dog-paddled my way through, financially, with various jobs besides live music because I was hyperventilating about solo paying for their health, well-being and education.

It’s been education that has weighed on me the most heavily. Among the cheapest (if not *the cheapest) international school in Beijing is the one my two kids have attended since kindergarten, is the one partially subsidized by the French government, the Lycée Français International Charles de Gaulle de Pékin.

(This pic below is of Paz’s first day of kindy (JK) and Echo’s first day of kindy (SK). My how time flies!)

Still, the costs rise along with their heights and weight and now, in middle school, each child costs the Canadian equivalent of $27,000 a year and I’ve been fighting the current (and currency) of that pressure.

While I only pay half (mercifully, the children’s grandparents pay the other half on behalf of their dad), were it not for that, I’d long be on the bottom of this riverbed, breathless and spent, the kids would be uneducated and motherless.

I have had to run myself ragged to get it done, though, and the result is a white-haired 51 year-old mom who can not bear the increase to 36K in high school, which happens in 2026, September, for my eldest.

You may wonder why they couldn’t attend cheap Chinese school, but their in-between status is the culprit. They are Canadian citizens but the children of a Chinese national, so they have neither complete identity as Chinese kids (i.e. no “hukou” 户口 or family registration booklet), nor complete identity as foreign kids despite having passports (because all foreigners require visas to be recognized as foreigners in China ~ my kids have no need for a visa to be in China). Therefore, only a few schools would take them. Thanks France!

(If your head is spinning now, imagine the learning curve to get to where I can just state these facts. If you ever are curious about similar issues, check out this blog here & here and don’t make the mistakes we’ve made!)

But I must add that in grateful to the Western education I’ve hustled to get them because the Chinese system of learning and its inherent lack of both critical thinking and independent thought would not be the education I would wish for my children. Let’s not even mention the 3-4 hours of homework they would have nighty. I know they have benefited from my exhaustion.

I came home to Canada for a secret seven days this past September. It’s from that trip that I’m currently returning. I had to sort out paperwork and a white-knuckled wire transfer for the entirety of my savings towards a solution called : relocation to France.

The kids will go to school *for free* in that country (just like Canada), I will reside in an 18th-century stone home in the countryside that I’ve purchased alongside of my patient Quebecois partner, I will plant a very large garden, and we will swim on. The kids will get further educated in the same system they’ve experienced since kindergarten, and I will start my career life again with aim for pure creation and more rest.

Many of you will ask: why not return to Canada? Well, let me be blunt, ok? North America is currently a massive dumpster fire. The political and economic situation in my home country, and its proximity to the US with its crumbling infrastructure and melting democracy… need I say more? Maybe there are problems in Europe as well, just as there are other problems we face in China, and maybe nowhere is perfect, but we’ll give this new adventure our best.

Normandy. We’re going to Normandy. We’ll be about 3 hours from Paris and only 35kms from the coast.

Dreamy. Oh là là!

My mother’s house backs onto a gorgeous river that is fed by a dam that churns water to the lake and that sings to her across the dock, twinkling of high-pitched white noise 24-7. It’s comforting there~the family house that I have known for as long as I’ve been overseas, across many other seas, and living in China. These waters have always welcomed me home with open arms and I dived into them again on this 7-day trip, gasping at their cold, breathing in the lake weed smell of each droplet, fighting against the currents to the otter side with a belting laughter and hooting, which made my mother laugh as she perched herself on the dock watching me with a huge grin.

At 80 years old, and without my dad since 2024, she has put the house on the market and is also en route to a new life adventure away from the pull of that strong current. She says she feels pulled her under with house maintenance and gardening and too many stairs to climb with ailing knees.

I hug her. I tell her I understand.

I’ll miss the river. I’ll miss Beijing. I’ll miss the pull and the fight and the current life, but I’ll write again. I’ll dust off the memoir and finally aim to publish. I’ll try to bring history forward as an offering to the future.

Wish me luck ~ wish us luck.

Please stand on the dock like my mom did, grinning and cheering me on.

I need you.

Xox

-es