Rationale Meets Irrational


Welcome to my new blog “Queer Girl Gets Married.”

I’ve decided to start this blog for a few reasons and here is #1:

First of all, I am not the only one. There are lots of people with sexual orientations other than heterosexual who find themselves married to someone of the opposite sex. Let’s rephrase that: who choose to marry someone of the opposite sex. Of course, we didn’t just wake up from a night of Vegas-style partying to find ourselves married, “Holy crap! What have I done?”  No, it is a distinct choice, especially for people like myself who are not merely attracted to the opposite sex, or more accurately, very rarely attracted to the opposite sex. Yes, a very conscious one.

So, this is for all of those who may feel their unique identities are hidden by the overwhelming shadow that heterosexuality casts. It’s towering. It’s assumed. You see a man and a woman holding hands and it’s assumed that each is heterosexual, period. And if you’re a woman who’s married a man, you’re also dealing with the shadow that male privilege and patriarchy still casts in society. Some societies more than others (and I am a Canadian living in China so I have lots to say about this!), but nevertheless, a gender-based sociological disparity is still present globally. Queer feminist women who choose to marry men think about this stuff. I know I do.

So, why do we do it? For love. That’s the only reason I can think of. That’s enough.

Which brings me to reason #2 for this blog.

I am writing about this because I hope that others will not sacrifice their hearts on the altar of their political platforms. It’s not worth it.

Sometimes I think our politics (read: our heads) start to rule our lives (read: our hearts) and, to me, that is a giant red flag of over extension–a sure way to lose oneself. I feel proud of my bravery to have side-stepped that trap and to be able to write with pride that I have both my heart (love) and my head (identity) intact.

I have always placed a lot of importance on identity politics and that hasn’t changed. What I had trouble doing until I met my current partner, however, was truly honouring my heart in the same way that I would have laid everything on the line for my head. When love comes at you from a different direction, it truly forces you to see it. As long as I was willing to let it in, I found I didn’t need to hold up my identity as a defense. If I thrust my queerness forward like a shield, I realized that I was suggesting love to be a weapon that was going to hurt me. So, in order to respect and give space to both my identity and the love in my heart to exist alongside one another, I learned the extremely grueling lesson of staying honestly open. That doesn’t mean this wasn’t a struggle, however. It was one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn. I want to talk about that struggle.

And finally, reason #3:

I am writing this blog because I think that most of my issues are FUNNY!

I am a queer woman in her thirties with almost no experience with men, and particularly straight men. What’s more, I am married to a man of a different culture (Chinese) who doesn’t speak English. We use Mandarin to communicate, my third language, and sometimes this makes the situations at once infuriating and comical! He’s also younger than me, not that that’s a big deal, but it marks the first partnership in my life with someone younger and sometimes I notice it. All those differences combine and sometimes I’m spinning without a clue. Is it a guy thing? Is it a straight thing? Is it a Chinese thing? Is it an age thing? Where’s the disconnect here?

That’s where you come in. I’m hoping you can help me.

Living over here in China, even though I’ve made great friends, it’s easy to feel isolated. I especially miss my queer community. It’s hard to build a queer community in a place where queer culture is nowhere near as developed and out in the open, although I do have some queer friends here, mercifully.

But it’s also a really unique experience to be a foreigner and an outsider in this foreign country. This is not my first experience of being an outsider, of course. All of us who have had primarily had relationships with women (or people of the same sex) and who are living in a world that still struggles with homophobia and ignorance have had this experience. This sense of being an outsider may now be for different reasons but has the same impact. It’s lonely.

So, I’m reaching out.

Please feel free to tell me when you think you can pinpoint the source of my disconnect to this creature otherwise known as my male partner! I need your insight. I admit that I can sometimes really use some guidance here!

And so that’s the rationale that comes head first with the irrational reality of life. (No, the title wasn’t a typo!)  I’ll use this forum to tell our story and recount the craziness and mostly, I just hope these stories makes you laugh.

Cougars & Goatees

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